Going into this week’s Access Out block party outreach, I knew what I should have been doing to prepare. Outreach is always hard for me, but I knew that by depending on God and immersing myself in the goodness of His gospel, God could change my heart from being full of fear to full of hope, and maybe even make it fun to meet new people. On Sunday, I planned to preach the gospel to myself each day of the week, and throw myself on God’s mercy, and ask Him to be my strength on Friday.
I knew what I should have been doing this week, but I did none of it. Many many moments I looked at Game of Thrones and the bible both sitting on my desk, and I chose Game of Thrones every single time. I watched video game shows broadcasted live instead of praying because they were live but God… just didn’t seem so pressing. Even when I got sick and had a fever, a physical message saying Hey, you aren’t in charge of anything, Josh, not even your own body, I turned to entertainment because I had to “take it easy on my day off”.So I came into Access Out thinking I was going to get smited, or at least going to get disciplined in the form of being painfully reminded of how bad I am at making small talk and being friendly.
Long story short, in my mind there were a million ways it could have sucked (I was even insecure about my music choosing abilities, for crying out loud). But it didn’t, and God was very very merciful to me.
I have always thought that it would take a miracle for me to really really care about a stranger I had just met. But tonight, God made it happen. He was talking about how he valued community, and respected Jesus greatly for what He did.. but he fell away, and now is lost. And I think I almost teared up as I heard him share, because I just thought, how good it is to live with God, and how dark it must be to live without Him! And there it was again, the same feeling I’ve only had one other time in my life, the feeling of this person NEEDS the gospel!
It would seem irrational for God to keep offering Himself to us again and again even when we continuously push Him away. But then again, what father doesn’t keep trying to feed his child, even when the child closes its mouth or spits the food back out? I was God’s idiot, bratty, sickly child this week, but He remains faithful. He will see His children fed and justified and glorified, even those children who don’t know it yet. Praise God.